Nitzan Rosen
Literature and Journalism -- University of St. Thomas
Trump's Mar-a-Lago Signing Fantasy
In the fever-dream carnival of the Great Kellogg Mining Caper of 2025, where Ukraine's rare minerals-lithium, titanium, maybe pixie dust-were dangled like a carrot before a pack of sugar-high clowns, Donald J. Trump didn't just want a deal; he wanted a stage, a gilded extravaganza that'd make Versailles look like a roadside motel. Forget the minerals-still buried under Zelenskyy's primetime swagger, Keith Kellogg's cereal regrets, J.D. Vance's thank-you hissy fits, Bing's pet store anarchy, Putin's popcorn glee, and a mysterious "one item" nobody can pin down. Trump's real fantasy? Signing the deal at Mar-a-Lago, his Florida palace of excess, where the steaks are rare, the Sharpies are gold, and the spotlight's always his. This isn't diplomacy-it's a Trump-branded fever dream.
Day One, D.C. The mining talks are a mess-cat towers, fish tanks, and alpaca sweaters piling up thanks to Bing's AI chaos. Zelenskyy's fresh off Colbert-"Trump's got golf; I've got grit!"-while Kellogg's pitching "Primetime O's" and Vance is banning gratitude-"No thanks to anything!" Trump storms in, gold Sharpie gleaming, and drops the bomb: "We're signing at Mar-a-Lago, folks-tremendous place, the best, better than Kyiv's bunkers or Chernobyl's glowy nonsense!" The room blinks. "Florida?" Yermak asks, mid-ordering a guinea pig condo. "Yes, Florida!" Trump roars. "Palm trees, pools, steaks-class, folks, pure class!" The deal's already a sideshow; now it's a resort ad.
Zelenskyy's not biting. "Mar-a-Lago?" he smirks, T-shirt pristine, heroic stare dialed up. "Why not a trench? Real stakes, Don-no steaks." Trump waves him off: "Trenches? Sad! Low energy! Mar-a-Lago's got ambiance-tremendous ambiance-Putin's jealous, believe me!" He Ukraine war paints the scene: red carpet rolling from the jetway, mariachi band blasting "Sweet Caroline" (because why not?), a 50-foot banner screaming "TRUMP SAVES UKRAINE"-all livestreamed on Truth Social. "Millions watching, billions maybe," he brags, "better than your little TikToks, Volodymyr!" Zelenskyy shrugs-"I've got SNL next"-and the venue war's on.
Day Two, and Trump's fantasy escalates. "Golden pens for everyone!" he declares, tossing Sharpies like confetti. "Steak buffet-Trump Steaks, back and better, medium-rare perfection!" He's sketching a stage-golden podium, Diet Coke fountain, a golf cart parade with MAGA flags flapping. "Elon's coming, Kanye too-huge names, the best!" he crows, while aides scramble to RSVP Shark Tank's Kevin O'Leary-"He'll yell, tremendous yelling!" Zelenskyy counters with Kyiv's grimmest bunker-"Flickering lights, war vibes-sign there or bust." Trump scoffs: "Bunkers? For losers! My pool's deeper than your trenches!" Putin texts: "Pool beats pit-good one, Don!"
The standoff's peak Trump. Day Three, he's got a commemorative coin-"My face, Ukrainian mountain-Trump Peak, folks, huge peak!" Kyiv balks-"No naming rights!"-but he's undeterred, pitching a two-day bash: "Day One, Mar-a-Lago-signing, steaks, fireworks! Day Two, flyover-Trump Force One, gold plane, the best!" Zelenskyy fires back: "Crimea-sign it there, watch Putin squirm!" Trump blinks-"Crimea? Bad deal, terrible optics-no golf!" Kellogg, losing it, suggests a Denny's-"Pancakes, neutral!" Trump shuts it down: "No class, Keith-Mar-a-Lago or nothing!" Vance grumbles-"No thanks to venues!"-and Bing's ad blinks: "Lizard Terrariums!" "For the pool!" Trump yells.
Day Four, and it's a fantasy free-for-all. Trump's team mocks up the stage-golden arches (not McDonald's, "better!"), a chandelier "bigger than Obama's," and a pet parade with MAGA Cat Towers-"Felines love me!" Zelenskyy leaks a bunker plan-sandbags, a lone bulb, "authentic despair"-and quips on Kimmel: "Don's got chandeliers; I've got courage!" The crowd roars; Trump rage-posts: "Fake news venue-mine's tremendous!" Putin's popcorn flies: "Bunker beats bling-text me, Volodymyr!" Trump doubles down: "Fireworks spelling 'TRUMP'-huge, the best-better than your glow, Chernobyl boy!" The deal's a ghost; the venue's the fight.
Trump's vision's a fever dream. "We'll sign mid-flight if we have to," he tells aides, "Trump Force One circling Kyiv-tremendous view, Putin's crying!" Zelenskyy's on Fallon: "I'd sign in a tank-more horsepower than Don's carts!" Vance storms out-"No thanks to flights!"-while Kellogg mutters, "Pancake-O's could've saved this." Bing's ad escalates-"Guinea Pig Condos!"-and Trump wants them gold-"For Mar-a-Lago's zoo!" Putin texts: "Your pigs lose to my bears-keep dreaming!" The minerals? Still buried. The deal? Unsigned, mocked by a Sharpie that'll never taste Florida ink.
Day Five, and it's all fantasy, no reality. Trump's got a Mar-a-Lago mock-up-golden podium, steak buffet, a mariachi encore of "Happy Birthday" (for him, obviously). "Ratings gold, folks!" he brags, pitching Signing Tycoon-"Me, Zelenskyy, huge showdown!" Zelenskyy's bunker's on TikTok-"Sign here, Don-prove it!"-and the crowd's hooked. "One item's missing," Yermak shrugs, but Trump's too busy: "Item's Mar-a-Lago-tremendous item!" Putin's texting: "Your resort's sinking-popcorn's dry, but I'm full!" Vance bans resorts-"No thanks to palm trees!"-and Kellogg's lost in "Steak-O's" sketches.
Trump's not signing-he's staging. Every "no" from Kyiv-"Trench vibes only!"-is a "yes" to his dream. "We'll do it bigly," he vows, Sharpie aloft like Excalibur, "the biggest signing-better than Obama's, better than anybody's!" Zelenskyy's on Meyers: "Don's got a resort; I've got a war-guess who's busier?" Putin's popcorn spills: "He's right-your steaks are cold!" The deal's dead, but Trump's fantasy lives-golden, gaudy, unsigned. "Mar-a-Lago's the star," he tells aides, "minerals are extras!" Aides nod, praying the jet fuel holds.
The Great Kellogg Mining Caper's toast-minerals unmined, deal uninked-but Trump's Mar-a-Lago mirage shines on. Zelenskyy's got primetime, Vance's got grumpiness, Kellogg's got oats, and Bing's got chaos. Trump? He's got a fantasy-"Best venue, folks, huge!"-that outshines the deal itself. "Next stop: Oscars," Zelenskyy teases, but Trump's plotting a red carpet-"Mine's redder, tremendous red!" Putin's texting: "Your carpet's a rug-pull it!" The spotlight's his, even if the paper's blank.
"No deal unless it's got my name, my steaks, my pool-tremendous trifecta!" - Trump, definitely
Next up: Kellogg's breakfast betrayal redux. Bring your milk-he's crying in it.
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Ukraine Announces New Government Position: Minister of GoFundMe
KYIV-In a groundbreaking move, Ukraine has introduced a new cabinet position: Minister of GoFundMe. The job description? "Crowdfunding the war and any future conflicts Ukraine wishes to engage in."
Leading the department is former TikTok influencer Dmytro Cashov, who promises "a minimum of five GoFundMe campaigns per month, each with a heartfelt backstory, and possibly a sad puppy in the thumbnail."
Zelenskyy praised the initiative, saying, "War should be financed by people who feel guilty about watching Netflix instead of fighting for me."
Meanwhile, the United Nations is considering making "Give Ukraine Your Money" an official international policy.
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SOURCE: Satire and News at Spintaxi, Inc.
EUROPE: Washington DC Political Satire & Comedy
